A Woman


In the age of fourteen, I thought that looking into the eyes of the boy I liked was as easy as putting a love letter into his desk drawer. It took only less than thirty seconds for me to think about taking a step closer to him without any hesitancy, then I did it. I did come over his desk and I did look at him in the eyes very deeply that my eyes could have popped out. I could do it. I was dauntless, I was a girl.

Now, it is not as simple as what I did when I was fourteen. I have no idea what the heck is wrong with me. It feels like I have no strength to fight against my anxiety and nervousness. Every time I try to be bold to take the very first action, I get this brunt inside my tummy. Each and every time I push myself towards him, my chest feels like it is going to blow out. My lips cannot even open up to say any word. My body literally happens to be very rigid. I myself cannot figure out why.

Him. The guy who is standing by the grey wallpapered wall.

The beat of the party moves him so fast. He dances on the same spot on which he has been standing all this long. With that smile blossoming over his face, he moves his hands along with the music. His blue eyes are sometimes closed to feel the oscillation. What an intoxicating spectacle. I can see him blink at his friend who yells his name. His soaked red hair tells me that he had a shower just before he came here. His un-ironed clothes sign that he is too busy this week to take care of the laundry.

Every movement he makes has driven me crazy. I, a girl who is sitting on a wooden chair in the corner of the room, do not get bored of watching that guy secretly. I am sure he does not realize that he has been stalked since the first minute he came to this room. As always, I get no rigidity to stand up and walk to him just to say hi. So yeah, I am just sitting on this chair.

People say, a woman is not to start. I guess that is why I made up my mind to wait.

To wait him to say hi to me first, to ask me “What's up?”, and to invite me to have some coffee after this party. Anyhow, here I am waiting for him to go ahead first.

Why did people invent this proverb saying a woman is not to start? It is resentful.

It has been two years that I have been watching him. The guy who does not even know me. He knows nothing about my existence, but I know everything about his modest life. Well I am telling you, he is an unmarried-settled guy who works for a broadcasting agency as a creative director. Yes, a creative director. However, if he is creative enough, he would absolutely look for the girl who keeps sending him a bar of chocolate once a week –who is actually me. He never tries to find me and there is nothing to do with it. A woman is not to start, remember?

Everything is not as easy as it seems anymore. In the age of twenty five, I am getting into the stage of losing audacity. Love has robbed all of the mettle laid inside me and left me with a heap of bloomer instead. I guess I will just sit on this comfortable chair until the party is over, and watch him dancing until he takes an eye on me, then notices me some day or other. 

I am fainthearted, I am a woman and A Woman is not to start.

2015

Hampir pukul enam sore di sebuah kafe pinggir kota. Aku duduk sendirian menikmati secangkir coklat panas. Merayakan kemerdekaan atas segala yang menjeratku sedemikan lama. Aku sedang terpaku pada langit malam saat kudengar lagu Bee Gees diputar.
 
And you come to me on a summer breeze 
Keep me warm in your love then you softly leave 
And it's me you need to show 
How deep is your love 
 
Dalam sekejap pikiranku terseret dalam piringan hitam. Terputar dua tahun mundur. Malam itu, dalam bus yang menuju pulau Dewata. Lagu ini terus kumainkan. Kuingat benar bagaimana rasanya. Lagu indah sebagai pengantar sementara pikiran terbuncah kebagiaan. Akhirnya aku memilikinya, pikirku. Hidupku akan bahagia selamanya. Saat itu kupandang langit malam dibalik kaca -- sama seperti yang kulakukan sekarang. 
 
Lalu pikiranku kembali lagi di masa sekarang. Kini tak ada yang tertinggal. Semua rasa membuncah itu tak lagi tersisa. Hanya sia yang pilu. Angan tak lazim yang terhempas debur ombak takdir.
 
Aku tidak peduli lagi. Telah kutemukan bahagiaku sendiri. 
 
Dan apabila kau berpikir ini tentang cinta pada pria, kau sama sekali tidak mengenalku. Ini dua tahun lalu. 2015.

Opto, Ergo Sum

 
Seorang penulis pernah berkata, “Opto, Ergo Sum. Aku memilih maka aku ada.”
 
Aku tak genap setitik ketika dibandingkan dengan luas semesta. Hanya secuil kehidupan diatas katulistiwa. Helai benang yang disulam menjadi tubuh ringkih, selalu bergidik ketika mendengar kata marabahaya. Tak ada hebatnya.
 
Apabila bisa memilih, aku ingin terlahir dengan segala kelebihan. Lebih penampilan, lebih kepintaran, lebih kekuatan. Namun, nyatanya.. aku terlahir sedemikian rupa tanpa diberi kesempatan untuk menentukan pilihan. Dan aku tetap ada.
 
Ketika ada ungkapan ‘Opto, Ergo Sum, kemungkinan besar persoalan memilih ini ada di dunia lahir. Yaitu ketika kita sudah diberkahi kehidupan. Artinya eksistensi manusia dapat dikukuhkan apabila individu tersebut mampu mengambil opsi untuk mempertahankan hidupnya. Menentukan jalan mana agar bisa hidup dengan segala kelebihan serta kekurangan.
 
Kemudian, muncul pertanyaan mengenai kesempatan memilih sebelum lahir. Agar ada, aku tidak pernah memilih. Lalu bagaimana bila aku memilih untuk tidak ada? 
 
Jawabannya, aku tidak diberi kekuatan untuk memilih di kehidupan ruh. Hanya satu kali dipilihkan sebuah opsi. Yaitu untuk hidup. Selanjutnya, sejak hembus nafas pertama, aku berjuang mati-matian untuk bertahan di siklus kehidupan melalui berbagai jalan bercabang.
 
Aku tidak memilih untuk ada. Namun agar tetap ada serta bermakna, jalan terbaik dan yang terus naik harus dipilih.
 
Karena tidak ingin percuma. Aku tidak akan hidup segan, mati tak mau.